Until 1776, America and Canada were practically the same. Then America went its own way and chose revolution, independence, and self-reliance. But Canada kept on its path—a path that has proved nicer, quieter, weirder, and, frankly, better.
But now it’s time to reverse America’s tragic mistake, and MAKE AMERICA CANADA AGAIN. Why, you may ask? Well . . .
CANADA IS ROOMY
Canada has more land than America, but only ten per cent as many people. For Canada, social distancing isn’t just easy—it’s a way of life!
CANADA IS TIDY
The beloved Canadian sport of curling is literally just sweeping up!
CANADA IS NONCONFRONTATIONAL
In many parts of Canada, kids on Halloween don’t say, “Trick or treat,” with an implied threat of reprisals. Instead, they chant, “Halloween apples.” (THIS IS TRUE.) They don’t actually want apples—they want candy—but they’re way too polite to ask for it!
CANADA HAS BETTER CULTURE
AMERICA: Ernest Hemingway, Elvis Presley, well-done steak.
CANADA: Margaret Atwood, Joni Mitchell, poutine.
CANADA IS WHIMSICAL
The one- and two-dollar coins are called “loonies” and “toonies,” respectively. VERY FEW Canadians dedicate their lives to the pursuit of the “Almighty Loonie.”
CANADA KEEPS IT SIMPLE
CANADA: Ten provinces, many with fun names like Manitoba and Saskatchewan, and a flag featuring one (1!) maple leaf.
AMERICA: Fifty states, many with ridiculous names like Virginia and West Virginia, and a flag featuring, like, eight thousand stripes and about a million stars.
Sometimes less is more, y’know?
CANADA IS SPORTY
BASKETBALL was . . .
INVENTED by a Canadian (James Naismith).
DOMINATED by a Canadian team (the Toronto Raptors, the defending N.B.A. champions).
PERFECTED in the movie “Teen Wolf” by the basketball-dunking title character, played by Michael J. Fox—A CANADIAN.
CANADA HAS BETTER CULTURE (PART 2)
Number of legendary prog-rock bands called Rush that will ROCK YOUR FACE OFF:
CANADA TREATS ITS BEVERAGES BETTER
AMERICANS: Dumped tea into Boston Harbor!
CANADIANS: Drink milk from clean, hygienic plastic bags!
ADVANTAGE: Probably Canada, but your mileage may vary. Also, your kilometrage. Which brings us to . . .
CANADA USES THE METRIC SYSTEM
Logical, nerdy, and in step with the rest of the world—like Canada itself!
CANADA EVEN HAS BETTER CRIME
In 2016, a group of bandits stole more than three thousand tons of maple syrup from the Canadian strategic syrup reserves. (THIS IS ALSO TRUE.) The thieves were quickly apprehended and brought to justice.
In 2019, the U.S. President pressured his Ukrainian counterpart to help him win the upcoming election. He was not removed from office.
ADVANTAGE: DO WE NEED TO ASK?
FINAL SCORE: GAME, SET, AND STANLEY CUP TO CANADA!!!