Wife #1: New Gingrich had a secret romance with Jackie Battley, his high school geometry teacher and married her after graduation.

Just yesterday, a conservative Republican suggested that I and others who were defending President Obama in an on-line discussion were guilty of being “fanatical defenders of the black messiah.”  The fact that the person resorted to highlighting President Obama’s race and tried to employ grandiose sarcasm with the intent of deriding us, is unfortunately, not the exception but the rule among conservatives these days. Barack Obama is not just another liberal Democratic President, he is seen by many as the most diabolical, untrustworthy person to have ever been elected to high office.

For that and other reasons, this left of center Democrat really believes that to do justice by their die-hard constituents, the Republican Party must nominate New Gingrich to be their nominee in 2012.

Here are but a few reasons why the-Newt deserves the nod:

I.   DERISIVE, FACT-LESS HYPERBOLE:  Conservative disdain for Barack Obama is so emotionally charged and consistently devoid of facts or reasoning that the Republicans must nominate a skilled demagogue like Gingrich who can rally the faithful without any concern for the intellectual integrity of his rhetorical prose.  No Republican candidate is more qualified to charismatically deliver emotionally charged babble than Gingrich.

Wife #2: Gingrich had an affair with Marianne Ginther while married to wife #1.

II.  WORLD-CLASS BULLY: Grass root Republicans love a bully who can’t offer constructive new ideas about anything, but who can easily denigrate more sophisticated, more thoughtful, more tolerant people who dare to challenge the convoluted, selfish reasoning of conservative-populism.   Mitt Romney may be a bit too emotionally stable to offer the kind of bombastic, condescending rhetoric about the “cultural elite” that gives tea-party Republicans the kind of patriotic-orgasm that makes them sure they are the real, Constitutionally-correct Americans.

III.  NO TO ANY HEALTH-CARE REFORM: President Obama will undoubtedly have to defend health-care reform in the upcoming campaign. Romney is intimately familiar with the issues involved and has in the past, promoted similar programs that include government  regulation of the health care industry.   That is not “kewl.”  Conservative Republicans believe with every fiber of their being that government involvement in the delivery of health-care would result in nightmarish scenarios reminiscent of communist life under Stalin: decent Americans will be sent away by death panels to die in Obama’s secret gulag.  Please don’t try to convince them otherwise even though the same people who subscribe to such fantasies will kill anyone who threatens to stop  their monthly Social Security, Medicare or Veteran benefit checks. Newt will never disappoint the masses with anything less than the standard Republican bull about how the private sector will treat everyone fairly if the big-bad government just gets of the way.

Wife #3: The-Newt was schtupping his staff member, Callista Bisek, while married to wife #2.

IV.  NEWT ISN’T AFRAID TO BE POLITICALLY INCORRECT:  While Newt Gingrich may personally not be a racist, he knows all to well how to subtly acknowledge those politically incorrect “facts” about Muslims, Latinos and people of color that in your heart, you know are true!   And isn’t it wonderful that at least one Republican has the courage to acknowledge the truth about them. 

V.  NO ONE FEIGNS RIGHTEOUSNESS INDIGNATION BETTER: Social conservatives cannot back up most of their knee-jerk, holy roller clamor with facts.  E.G.  No where in the old or new Testaments are there any definitive statements that say that life begins at conception or that falling in love with a member of the same gender is a sin. Like creative Republican statisticians,  prolific clergy have for centuries have been spinning religious doctrine with the intent of insulating their power, jobs, institutions and the emotional equilibrium of simple people.   In spite of all his posturing about having “made peace with God” over his: countless affairs, failed marriages, deceitful verbiage, unethical back-room political shenanigans, New Gingrich is the quintessential, sanctimonious Christian hypocrite:  “My cause is so right, so holy, that I can do and say anything to insure my ultimate success!”

VI.  AMERICANS NEED AN ENEMY TO HATE & ARM THEMSELVES AGAINST: Conservative Republicans tend to be provincial, xenophobic tribalists.  Incendiary rhetoric about threats to national security come as easily to Newt Gingrich’s lips as lying to a wife.  And let’s be honest, except for the prospect of seeing naughty pictures of Ann Coulter dressed up as a dominatrix, is there anything that gets a down-home, grass-roots conservative more excited than the prospect of  an enemy we need arm ourselves against?  Cut all government spending for human services, but buy more weapons today.  “They” are coming to get us!  (Please check your local listings to find who “they” is this week.”)

VII. GOVERNMENT IS THE ENEMY: President Obama has time and again made it clear that he is committed to embracing and nurturing an inclusive American society that is first in the world in education, high-tech, manufacturing, health-care and social responsibility.  Those utopian “socialist” ideals are easy fodder for a professional agitator like Gingrich who incessantly promotes the lie that government cannot possibly be the catalyst for anything good.  In fact, in keeping with GOP gospel, the-Newt will tell you with lots of passion and a straight face that government is the ultimate enemy of the American people.  That said, he wants you to vote for him to be the “enemy’s” CEO.  If that makes any sense to you, you must be a Republican.

VIII.   THE ULTIMATE HYPOCRITE:  Conservative Republicans want you to know that they own the moral high ground; they are the party of common decency and family values.  But please memorize their ever-growing list of “to hell with” causes:

  • To hell with taxes
  • To hell the environment
  • To hell with government regulations
  • To hell with workers rights
  • To hell with expensive, unnecessary government expenditures like education. (Who needs schools when we have Fox News to educate our young-ins?)
  • To hell with educated-thinking women who are not your typical non-orgasmic, obedient, conservative Christian wife was married right after high school (Fetuses with the potential to have female genitalia are of course exempt. Praise Jesus!)
  • To hell with immigrants, legal or not
  • To hell with all Muslims
  • To hell with all sexual deviants (LGBT people)
  • To hell with thousands of other social and economic issues that make people think too hard (NOT FAIR!)

Now honestly, which Republican presidential candidate is more qualified to promote a thoughtless, cynical, selfish, anti-people, pro-corporate agenda than the man who had a secret affair with his high school geometry teacher until he graduated and then married her (he was 19, she 26); the man who shamelessly tried to impeach a President for sexual indiscretions while he was having an affair with a staff member in his office; a man who time and again has proven to have less scruples than a Koch-brothers lobbyist trying to intimidate or pay-off a politician?

Newt Gingrich is THE commensurate Republican.  No one can represent the morals and ethical standards of the Grand Old Party better.